With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought it would be valuable to write an article on relationships. Despite all the hype that surrounds the superficial notion of finding your perfect soul mate, I am here to get real and talk about the reality that some romantic relationships in fact challenge us to our very core.

We are all familiar with relationships that don’t bring out the best in ourselves – those relationships where we question the way we behave around that person and potentially go so far as to dislike ourselves when around that person. But what if that certain person was your significant other, someone with whom which you shared your home, children and life? What if you find it next to impossible to live with your significant other because of how you feel about yourself and your behaviour because when he/she is around? Is the answer to change you or to reassess your choice of life partner?

Late last year I attended a seminar presented by Marianne Williamson. Marianne spoke of ‘Soul Contracts’ and how we assign ourselves to these contracts prior to coming into this lifetime. She explained that ‘Soul Contracts’ are in essence life plans we must complete before we leave the Earth and how our relationships are here to teach us the lessons that we need to know for our soul’s development. She also explained that if you didn’t learn what you needed to learn from one relationship and decided to move on to another, you will more than likely have the same experiences in your new relationship until the lesson is learnt.

This notion, of which Marianne is both a teacher and student, is based on theory and learnings offered in the book “A Course in Miracles” by Helen Schucman . For me, the notion of a ‘Soul Contract’ resonated through every cell in my body. Why? Because it offered a profound realisation as to why, at that time, I felt so uncomfortable and unsettled in my marriage and why the very same issues were resurfacing in my relationship.

At the time, I felt very disconnected to my husband and myself. The survival mechanism known as ‘fight or flight’ had well and truly kicked in and I was ready to run. He was my Saber Tooth Tiger and I wanted to run as far as I could, never ever to return. However I knew at a deeper level that there was something within me that this relationship was triggering and I knew I had to take responsibility for why I felt the way I did. I knew, to the very core of my being, that what I was in fact trying to run from was myself. My relationship with my husband was important to me fulfilling my ‘Soul Contract’ and I owed it to our relationship and my soul to explore this further.

After some deep self-exploration, I realised I was looking to him to fill a void I had within myself and to replace a sense of unworthiness and lack of self-love that I brought into my relationship. He was supposed to be my knight in shining armour and was meant to save me from myself. I was depending on him to make me feel worthy of love, support and care. I was looking to him to make me feel like I was enough.

So it was at this point I decided to embrace the parts of me that I deemed unworthy and unlovable. I did this by getting real with myself and started to take care and give myself the love I so desperately sought from him. I began to accept that I was in fact enough and began to take care of me. I lovingly became reacquainted with all aspects of myself and began to love myself wholeheartedly, as a perfectly unique, imperfect being. I began to honour my values and what was important to me and followed my heart to start my own Women’s Circles.

I chose to move forward in my relationship and not live a life of disempowered victimhood, casting blame on everyone else and expecting everyone else to give me what I would not give myself. I took responsibility, claimed back my power and began to reflect daily on what it is I needed to give myself.

After this, the blame subsided. The anger and resentment disappeared and our relationship improved. The playing field levelled out, as I was no longer expecting him to fill something within me that was in fact my responsibility to fill.

Do we still have challenges in our marriage? Hell yes! And let’s face it, this will always be reality when you have two people that have different value systems and passions. The fairy-tale relationship where you get to ‘live happily ever after’ is simply a delusion. However when both participants are taking responsibility for their own needs, happiness and sense of self-love and worth, the relationship has a greater chance of success.

So if there is one piece of advice I can offer you this Valentine’s Day, whether you are in a relationship or single, is to give to yourself that which you would like your loved one/future partner to give to you. Love, worthiness, support are all things you can give to yourself. From that point onwards, anything your partner gives, you will receive with gratitude and appreciation rather than to fill a void that in fact can only be filled by you.

It all starts with you.

Book a Kinesiology session today and take the first step in empowering yourself to take responsibility.